Adopted War Babe - Part 5

After the wedding, Laura and I stayed a couple more days and toured the Columbia River Gorge and part of Washington state. SO BEAUTIFUL THERE!  We left in good spirits with thoughts of maybe having a relationship with my brothers at least.  Possibly my birth mother if she could get over being upset with me. She was so afraid that her family would be upset with her, but by my view, they were not at all.  I sent her an Easter card and a plant in 2007.  She sent me a letter . Here is the letter. You can tell she is still upset with me. (even addressing me as Pat)

She was still angry and held it against me.  I wondered why she just couldn't accept me. What is ONE MORE PERSON IN YOUR LIFE WHO LOVES YOU JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE BLOOD?  I didn't need a Mom, I had told her that. She said that everyone had stopped talking to her.  I guess she meant Bob, and Pat. Me going to the wedding really upset the family, but now it had already been done. Once something has been done and over with, you just need to move on and try and live your life as you should.  I just would have liked to know her, to see if I was anything like her.  You know, environment vs heredity the old debate.  I didn't know anything much more about her or her family (my family) than I did before I found her.

    Fast forward a couple of months.  I had spoken to Art and his wife Pat a few times over the phone.  It seemed that I had caused one HELL of an issue with the family!  Art and his mom, as well as Pat and her mother-in-law just didnt see eye to eye at all. Pat and Art kept trying to get her to accept me but she was so very mad that they had invited me to the wedding that there became a huge rift between them.  And, because of the closeness of Russ to his mom, there was a huge rift between Russ and his brother as well.  In discussing this with Art, he told me that he had never gone back to visit with his mom anyway, after she told him that his birth father's name etc was none of his business.  He just took off and never felt the need to go back, even to visit.  I continued, and still continue, to receive a Christmas letter from Karen (only from her). Usually with pictures of their girls, they now had three.
     I am not sure when exactly it happened, but the calls stopped coming from Art and all letters were returned to me.  The phone number I had had been disconnected. In the Christmas letter, Karen said that they had lost touch with Art and Pat and no one had heard from him.  This continued on for several years.  The girls grew into beautiful young ladies, and time marched on.
    In about 2013-2014, I learned from Karen's Christmas letter that Liz had Alzheimers and they were going to put her into a facility.  Gradually she began to not even recognize them. This does concern me and every time I forget something I think, DANG will I get this Alzheimer's?  sigh.. I guess we will just have to see, won't we?  As of Christmas 2015, she was in bad shape I was told. But now I can fill out those questionnaires and say that I have Alzheimer's in my family.

    A week or so into January of 2016, I received a letter from Karen with an obituary and a leaflet from the service of my birth mother. She had passed away.  I truly didn't know how to feel. I was sad for the family, as anyone would be for the family of someone who passed, but how did I feel about HER passing?  I just couldn't put a finger on my feelings.  To this day, I am still not sure. But I do believe that in living with God, she now no longer has to live with the terrible guilt I felt that must have led her whole life. The guilt of having three children out of wedlock when it was looked on as so bad by her family.  Maybe even the guilt of giving me up.  Is that just my own soul trying to sooth the abandoned feeling I might have had?  I don't know.  I never really felt abandoned.  I was so lucky to be so loved and cherished in the family that chose me, maybe that is why abandonment wasn't an issue, or at least one that didn't seem to bother me much.

   I started thinking that Art must not know that his mother was gone.  It really bothered me that he didn't know.  So, in true Pam fashion, I stuck my nose into the internet to try and find my brother again.  I googled and searched and looked for days.  Finally, I decided to pay one of these "we can find anyone" web sites where you have to pay for information. BINGO!!  I got a list of his and Pat's addresses for the past, well for his past whole life!  I immediately unsubscribed from the web site and it only cost me about $20.00 to find his address and phone number.  Pretty good I thought. He and Pat had CERTAINLY moved around a lot!  Not sure what that was about.
     I called and Art answered.  He was quite surprised to hear from me, I think it must have been about 15 years since anyone knew where he was, not sure of the amount of years. but that is close. I asked him if he was sitting down and I told him about his mom.  He was very quiet.  Then he thanked me and thanked me. We talked a bit about him moving around, he said that Pat just likes to keep moving!!  haha  Wanderlust I guess.  But not far, as they were in Washington state. Art was a cook in the Navy and a darn good pastry chef. (he had made his own wedding cake and decorated it!)  So he really didn't have much trouble as a vet with good cooking skills.  Pat had had a stroke and Lymphoma and was in a wheelchair and on SSDI, so he had to take care of her some of the time.  We hung up promising to keep in touch. (he is NOT a computer guy) so email isn't much of an option.
     If some of you reading this know me, you know I post often on Facebook. About my life, nothing about politics or religion, just life happens sort of things, pictures of my grandson, and pictures of my cats.  LOL  Well, just so happens that I posted something about my birthmother passing, me not knowing how to feel and that I found my brother and told him!  I was excited to find him.  I had no clue how his brother and sister-in-law had felt all those years he had been gone from everyone's life.
I was quite surprised to get an angry message from Karen, as she was a friend on Facebook.  I had not understood the hurt they had all felt when Art just cut off all communication with everyone.  They were left alone to take care of Liz in her time of need, with no way to even find Art, let alone have him help.  I was devastated, to say the least.  They were angry at me for finding him and angry at me for telling him about his mom.  I apologized and felt horrible that I had taken things in my own hands, but it was done and there was nothing I could do about it.  I was even more upset that I would maybe lose the small connection I had with Karen, and through her, my brother and my nieces. I said everything I could think of to her to apologize.  I hoped that she would reconsider her anger towards me and forgive me because I just had no clue. (sometimes I act out of idiocy)  I think she finally forgave me and we moved on.  Thank GOD!!
     Flash to April of 2017. Art called me one day and asked me a favor.  Pat really had wanted to do a DNA test and had noticed that 23andMe  was having a sale.  Art wanted to know if I could purchase a kit and send it to Pat for her birthday which was in May. He would send me a check to pay me back.  Sure I said, no problem!  I went on line and purchased one and had it sent.... but, that got me thinking, I REALLY would love to do a DNA test for myself and see if I would be able to find my birth father or at least some of his family since he was probably gone.  So I purchased one, spit in the vessel and sent it off!   I also started looking at Ancestry.  I had had a subscription years ago off and on doing a family tree for my adopted family.  Which was fine, but I started realizing that although it was interesting, none of the folks who I had never met were not MY blood.  I renewed my subscription and even signed up for the world wide portion to maybe trace my birth mother's side too.  I never had gotten much information at all from my brothers, and certainly not my birthmother.
So I waited for my DNA results.

     I think I got my results in about August of 2017. Not sure of exactly when.  I was pretty shocked again how my ethnicity panned out.

I knew the European but the Great Britain must have come from my birth father's side!  Then I saw the other, the one from the USA.

WOW!  Now that is really concentrated in one area!!  My birth father must have been from this area and all his relatives must have lived there all their lives!  Thus began my DNA search.

Adopted War Babe continued. ... Part 4

   We spoke on the phone a few more times. I learned that she had a couple of grandkids.  They must live near her because she spoke of seeing them a lot.  I was also told that she had two sons.  She was SO VERY afraid that they would find out about me and they would think that she had lied all these years! (Do ya think?!?!!!)  I could hear the fear and worry in her voice, so I told her that I would not contact them. (I was very honest with her at that time, I really didn’t plan to find them!)
     We exchanged some pictures through the mail. She wrote to me only once or twice.

 One of the last times I talked to her, she said she was heading to Germany for the first time in many, many years to visit her family.  I told her that I would send her a disposable camera for her to take lots of pictures.  I wanted to see the rest of my family.  She told me that wasn’t necessary, she had a camera and would take pictures.  She was supposed to be gone about a month.  She had had to return to work after her husband died, not really for the money, but for something to do.  She knew how to clean and cook, so she took a job cleaning office buildings there in where she lived.  She was able to take a month off.
     I was glad to have found her, we had spoken a little about meeting somehow, me going there didn’t seem to be a good idea to her for some reason.  We discussed meeting somewhere between Texas and Illinois, but she said we would talk more about that when she returned. So I waited...and waited.
    It had been several months since I had heard from her.  I had called her a few times with no answer.  No answering machine either. (It was still about 1993 I believe)  I started to worry that something may have happened!  Time to be a SUPER SLEUTH!!
    I began to think about how to find my two half brothers, because that seemed the best way to find out why I was not hearing from her.  Thinking of our conversations I realized that she spoke of her granddaughters being around quite a lot.  They must live near, or maybe in the same city!  So I called directory assistance there in Illinois where she lived.
“How May I help you?” said the operator.
“Well,” I hesitated, “I need to find my friend from a long while ago, but I just don’t recall his first name.  His last name is *****.  His dad was Russell *****, but he is now passed.”
“Oh, you must mean Russell *****, Jr then,” she said.  BINGO!!
     After writing down the phone number I began to sweat and shake a bit.  What would I say?  I dialed the phone (yes, we still used that type of phone).  After just a couple of rings, a woman’s voice said, “Hello?”
     “Hi!  My name is Pam Berry (previous married name). I am an old friend of Elisabeth ***** and was trying to reach her.  I wonder if you could help me.  I know that she was in Germany visiting relatives but I haven’t been able to reach her lately, do you know if she has returned yet?”
  “Oh hi, Pam, she returned several months ago!  I’m not sure why you haven’t been able to reach her.  I am her daughter-in-law, Karen, I would be glad to give her a message for you.”
    “Ok,” I said. (My heart beating out of my chest) “ Tell her that Pam called.”
     “I sure will,” she said.
     We said goodbye and hung up.  Gosh, I wonder what had happened for her not to call or answer my phone calls.  Maybe I had just missed her.
    Fast forward to about 36 hours later.  Phone rings.  I answer.  “Hello?”
     “I told you to NEVER contact my sons!  How did you get his phone number?!!”
    She was furious!  I had promised her to never contact them.  But in wanting to find out about where she was, I had reached out to some chat areas on the internet dealing with adoption.  They had told me that my half brothers were adults now and they deserved to know that they had a sister.  Find them and let THEM decide if they wanted to get to know you or not, they told me.  So, I went on my search for them.
     "I did NOT tell your daughter - in law who I was, I only said that I was an old friend and that I was worried that you hadn't made it back from Germany yet!"
     She would only say that when she saw her family in Germany,(who had of course known that she had been pregnant and given a child up for adoption) they told her to forget about things, let things lie and don't go back.  Just don't talk to me any more. She told me not to call her again and for sure not to call her boys again. Then she hung up.
     I was in shock.  She had wanted to get to know me, had sent me pictures and even talked about meeting.  Her family had a strong affect on her.  Well, ok, she wasn't rejecting me, THEY were. I think I can live with that.
     I didn't think about it for a while, but I kept going back to what I had been told, that my brothers deserved to know that I existed and that then THEY could make a decision on whether they wanted to know me or not. This made me think of the reason WHY I was trying to connect with my birth family.
     I had a wonderful childhood and upbringing.  I could not have asked for better parents.  I wasn't at all looking for another mother or any of that, but any of you out there reading this that may be adopted as well, you know that at some point in your life you have a longing of sorts to find out exactly what your roots are... where do you come from?  What exactly was the situation that lead to your birth and adoption?  I also was very tired of putting NON APPLICABLE on medical papers that wanted to know family history!!
     So, I gathered my courage...again, and found the phone number for my half-brother, Russell.  I dialed the phone. Karen answered again.
     I began, "Hi, this is Pam Berry again. Do you remember when I called before to ask about Elisabeth?  Well, I believe that I am Russell's half sister."  Disbelieving silence followed. She called to Russ.  He gets on the phone.
     "Hello?  You told my wife that you may be my half sister?"
     "Yes," I said.
     I went through my brief adoption story and made the story short as to how I had found Elisabeth. I told him that I had all of my adoption papers and that I would send him copies if he wanted me to.
    His first question was, "What year and date did my parents get married?" (strange question don't you think?)  I told him.  He said, "WOW!"  and told me his birth date, it was BEFORE they got married!  He had never known the date.  They had never told anyone their anniversary date. I guess because he had been born before they got married, and at that time, 1961, it was still not a normally known thing to not be married and have a child.
    Then he told me another shocker, his older brother, Bob, had been born in 1956, only two years after me, and she had kept him.  He had been adopted by Russ's dad when he was about 5.  Then I found out our birthdays...Russ's birthday is Feb. 26, 1961, my birthday is Feb 27, 1954 and Bob's birthday is March 9th, 1956.  WOW, all within a week of one another!!  None of us born with the advantage of marriage!  Interesting!
   I did send him copies of my adoption papers and the marriage certificate that I had received so to prove what I had told him.  I had also learned that for many many years, he and his wife had lived across the street from his parents!  Now that his dad was gone, he took on the role of always helping his mom.  She had never learned to drive, and had always just been Russell ***** Srs wife, nothing else.  So she needed taking care of!  Plus, they lived across the street so that extended family was just wonderful for them and for their girls.
     After they received my papers, I got a phone call from Karen, my half-sister-in-law.  She told me how shocked and surprised Russ was, and that he was NOT going to talk to his mom about it, he did not want to upset her. She did give me her brother-in-law's phone number however.  He was living in Portland, Oregon.  He had joined the Navy at 18 and never been home again.  He was somewhat estranged from them in a way because he was traveling all over with the Navy, but had settled down after he got out in Portland.
   So, what do you think I did?  Of course, I called him!  He was delighted!!  I don't remember the conversation at all word by word but paraphrasing it this is what we talked about.  First, he went by Art, not Bob (His name is Arthur Robert *****), only his family called him Bob. He did not know he had been adopted by his step-father until he was 18 and was enlisting in the Navy.  They had wanted his birth certificate and then was told he was adopted.  When he asked his mom who his birth father was, she replied that it was "None of your business!"  WHAT!??  Dang woman!!  How could you?
     Art also said that he was getting married in a few months and he sure would like for me to be able to come!  I didn't think that there was a chance in heck for me to go, but I said I would look into it. We exchanged addresses and promised to keep in touch.
    I talked about going to the wedding to my parents and my husband at the time.  They were all against it. They were afraid that there would be trouble or something.  However, my good friend Laura had lived in Portland for years.  Laura was now living in San Antonio.  I called her and we concocted a plan to try and go.  Well, she found a really cheap round trip flight for us for the time, over the fourth of July week, and talked to friends of hers in Portland that were more than glad to let us stay with them AND have the use of their car while we were there!  EEEK!!  We were actually going to Portland, Oregon.  I would get to meet my birth mother's family because they were all going to be there!  (none from Germany, but my BM, and brother and his family).
     I let Art know that I was going to be able to come and he was so thrilled.  However, a couple of nights later the phone rings and a VERY ANGRY German woman says, "How did you get their numbers!!??  Why did you call them??? I told you never ever to speak to them!!???"
   Trying to remain calm, I said, "Well, I got Bob's number from Karen and he invited me to come.  I thought that they deserved to know I existed and they can decide if they want to know me or not, they are adults now."
    She sort of begged me not to come and I said that I was going and that I already had the plane tickets.  She hung up on me.
     July of 1996.  I am on a plane with my friend Laura on the way to Portland, Oregon.  Her friends pick us up at the airport and we go to their home to get settled in for about a 5 day trip.  I called Art and we took off in the car to go and visit him and his fiance, Pat.

                                                        My brother, Arthur Robert and me at his wedding

                                               Art and Pat sharing their wedding cake.

                                         My birth family, without me of course.
                                        Liz, Karen, Russ, Art, Pat, and Russ's two girls, my nieces, Heather and                                                                              Caitlyn.

                                                          Russ and Karen

At the wedding...
     First of all my visit with Art was so fun and we really got along.  I got along with Pat as well. They were busy with wedding plans but took time out to show me around.  Their wedding was to be in the back yard of their home.  We even ended up spending one night with them!
     On the day of the wedding, my birth mother and Russ and his family steered very clear of me.  Karen kept giving me these, "I'm sorry" looks.  Birth mother even talked to her son and insisted that my friend and I NOT sit on the grooms side.  She didn't want to be embarrassed!  Also, she asked Art to quit introducing me as his sister.  He said no, he was going to introduce me as his sister, because I was!!  (Yay Art!)
    I sat on the grooms side but near the back, there weren't too many people there so that back wasn't far. My friend, Laura, took pictures and video.
    After the wedding was over, during the reception (there on the grounds as well) Karen came to me and said that Liz (my BM) wanted to meet me on the other side of the house.  That side was the driveway side and no one was on that side of the house.  I went to the other side and waited a while... nothing.  So I returned to the reception side.  A few minutes later, the same thing happened, I went, I waited, nothing.  Finally, after returning to the reception a second time, Karen came to me again and said that Liz was ready this time. Ok, so I go over to the other side of the house once again.  In a few minutes, around the corner comes Liz.  I smile and she never looks at me but just MARCHES past me down the driveway.  Ok, so, I follow her.  She goes down the driveway, across the street and down a little into the DITCH across the street!!  I followed her.
     Once there, she flips around (my perception??) and with hands on her hips says, "Why are you here!?? I told you NOT to come!!"
   So, with little hesitation I said, "I was invited to come, and you gave up telling me what to do a LONG time ago!"  (good for me... right?  haha)
     She says, "Well, now you have DONE IT!  My boys will now visit you in Texas instead of visiting me in Illinois!"  With that she flipped around and MARCHED back out of the ditch, across the street, down the driveway and disappeared around the corner of the house.
    I think I was sort of stunned.  (not sure why I should have been)  I remember walking slowly across the street and down the driveway to the steps of the house.  I sat down on the steps to think.  I felt like I should cry and honestly I am not sure if I did or not.  Pretty soon my friend Laura came around the corner to find out if I was ok.  Sure, I was, I think.
   I returned to the reception for a while and didn't cross paths with Liz again that day.  I did take some pictures with Russ's girls, but never with Russ around, he just didn't want to upset his mom.

     I will have to stop for today.  There is more to the story!!  Quite a lot more!!