Adopted War Babe - part 13 MUSINGS

I have been "talking" with my Uncle Rick, my half-brother Tim, and several awesome cousins, (talking as in communicating through Facebook and Marco Polo) I am so very lucky to have people from my birth family that are so accepting of me. I have read many stories of adoptees and also birth mothers who gave up children. So I have some thoughts.

I know that all of us who have been adopted feel that we have the right to find our birth families and speak to them about what our BM and BF were like, who we look like and all that.  I guess we do in a way have a right to do that, however, I have read and heard and experienced the pain and heartache that a person "finding" their birth family can cause.  When you insert yourself into a family situation you never know how their family dynamics may have been to begin with. You also experience a birth parent or sibling or whomever as how they react to you.  This may be out of fear, or guilt or shock. This is not how the person is in "real life" for the most part, and their reaction may guide our reaction.  (does that make sense?) 

To make my point, maybe the best thing to not hurt people and families could be to have open adoptions at all times.  That way, there would be no "sudden" revelations of a child or parent or sibling. I am also reading that many many children that have been the result of a sperm bank donation have been finding their birth fathers.  Wow!  Now that must be a shocker to the men!  Usually it was college kids who needed extra money.  Some, dare I say most, of them not giving a second thought to the fact that their extra spending cash might someday result in a child finding them!  I have also seen a few men who DID consider what they were doing and that someday a child might be searching for them. 

Now that DNA can draw a straight and true path to each of these subjects, many many families have been both torn apart and brought together.  I am not sure I would have done my search any differently, because of that PULL that we all feel (well I think most of us) to find our roots, to find who we look like!  However, I think, knowing what I know now, I for sure would have given more thought of HOW I might approach some things. I am not going to go into any detail about this, because I truly do not want to hurt anyone, and it was never my intention to do so. I am going to repeat that I had the most AWESOME adoptive family, and never in a million years wanted to find another mother or father or sibling.  I just wanted to know who they are or were, to see if I inherited things from them. I also wanted to know the medical information.  I filled out a recent medical form and you do not know how good it felt to say that YES, some of my family HAS had osteoarthritis and yes some have had rheumatoid arthritis!  I know that sounds weird, but it is so true.  I could smile and know it is true!  No more crossing that section out and saying NA!!

I am going to keep going with this blog, because I am trying to plan to go to Kentucky to see all of the people whose blood is in me.  I want to take pictures and blog about the feelings.  It is exciting just to be planning the trip.  I hope that we can save enough money to go there for several days.
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Adopted War Babe - Part 12 - The End and the Beginning

My birth father is William Russell Tackett. 

I am rendered speechless at the moment. Way back in June of last year (2017) my search angel told me she was SURE that I had to be a great granddaughter or granddaughter of Thomas Tackett and Sarah Barber or of Henry Tackett and Lettie Barber.  I am not exactly sure how she reached that conclusion, but each time I was trying to track my bio dad in another direction, she kept insisting that no, it was one of those two families.  Not that I didn't believe her, it's just that I kept following what I thought were leads in other directions.  I am a pretty smart gal really, but all this relationship stuff with its first cousins and once removed etc, just confuses me.  I guess maybe like using an iPhone confuses others?  Not sure.  So it has been confirmed.

A couple months ago, if you have been following my blog, I was able to get in contact with a second cousin who popped up on ancestry. (well, he is actually first cousin once removed) He is the one who led me to sending an Ancestry kit to my suspected half brother, Tim. I have been speaking with Tim off and on these past couple months and also his uncle (my Uncle Rick), as well as a couple of cousins. I am blown away by how excited and accepting they have been.  After looking at pictures everyone was very sure that Russ was my birth dad.  To top it off, he had confided in one family member that he had met a girl in Germany and that she was pregnant when he left. Although he said that he had heard she had twins. ( Heavens, I hope I am not a twin!!  :-0 )
So this morning, I get a text from Tim that his ancestry results have come in and he can't log in to see them.  I go and look and there he is, right up alongside my half brother from my birth mother's side of the family!  Congratulations, Tim, you are a little brother!   Here we are, not good pics of either of us, but I think you might see the family resemblance.  I mean if he had hair.. right?  (ribbing a little brother may be something to have fun with!) 

If you are adopted, then you know how you search and search for someone somewhere that looks like you. Even though your children look like you, it just isn't the same thing. So I am sitting here trying to absorb all of this.  It is for real as proven with DNA, what a marvelous thing. I know how over-the-top lucky I am to have a wonderful understanding adopted family and an equally wonderful accepting bio family now!  I can't wait to see more and more pictures. I will continue this blog and probably write more of my feelings when I have sorted them out.  It is like discovering a whole new group of people who you know will be friends, just because.  Does that make sense?  

  

War Babe - Part 11 Musings

As I am reading many stories and quips on Facebook in the adoption and DNA groups that I belong to, I also have bought a couple of books that I am reading about adoption.  So far, what I have read is very interesting and some good reads.  All About Me I am close to finishing.  It is not my situation, but quite interesting. My son's father who was adopted had sent for his non identifying information like this, so I am familiar with it. While I was looking for my birth mom, he and I were trying hard to use the "clues" from the NII (non identifying information) to try and locate his biological family. 

I find that most stories that I read are kind of heart breaking.  I cannot relate to that at all.  I had the BEST childhood and continue to have a wonderful relationship and closeness with my adopted family that I could ever have wished for.  I do find it sort of funny that I never ever wished I was adopted (before I realized I was).  Many of my friends, who were NOT adopted many times wished they didn't belong to the family they were with.  They felt so different from their siblings or parents.  I am also reading that many kids, adopted and not adopted, have felt that exact same way.  Either because they had such different likes and dislikes from their family or many times when they were mad at a parent or sibling they were wishing they could belong to someone else to go live with.  

I, on the other hand, never ever had those types of thoughts pass into my head!   I never wanted to live with anyone else or belong to anyone else. I always had what I needed and many times what I wanted and my parents never hit or yelled or disrespected me when it wasn't necessary (I'm not saying I was perfect by any means, but it didn't happen often)  I lived in Europe and toured around and saw many castles, and works of art, and ancient cities.  I even attended operas and saw my favorite thing, the Lipizzaner Stallions in Vienna!!  What a THRILL!

My point in this being that I seemed to have different feelings than many of the adopted people I am reading about, both in books and on line.  Once I found out, or rather, realized that I was truly adopted, I didn't really spend a lot of time dwelling on that though. I guess I was just happy with my life, not that I am not extremely happy with my life now!  

I mentioned heredity vs environment earlier in this blog, or nature vs nurture if you please.  I have always wondered about that, and of course I wonder to this day what comes from what situation. Not just me, but with others as well.  I never had the same interests as my parents, like golf or sewing.  I tried both but neither took.  I do crochet and am actually finding out that I am a bit artsy craftsy, (artsy fartsy to me!  haha) but usually I have to follow some pattern, it is difficult for me to think up a pattern or a way to make something. I do follow directions well however, always have. I go through phases. I will crochet every day for two weeks, then put it down and not pick it up for a year.  Same with my stained glass.  I love making it, that is for SURE, but haven't done but one big piece and one small piece in about 9 years!!  I have never sold any, well, one was "commissioned" by a friend of mine for her new home. 

Does Mom do stained glass?  No, she does knit and crochet however.  I learned from her how to crochet and do some needlepoint. So I wonder what types of things my bio family likes.  Did I inherit anything like that from any of them?  I seem to have a natural ability to work with electronic things, NONE of which my parents had.  When the VCR was new and cable TV, they were always calling me over to fix the clock on it or make their remote work etc.  Mom still does.  So I wonder, is that just my generation, is it heredity? Don't know yet.  Still waiting on the DNA test for my suspected half-brother to arrive.  We think it should be any day now.  

I have gotten another book to read that I am told is a good one as well.  Haven't started it.  I do know it will probably strike some cords with me as well.  

Another thought I have had over the years.  When anyone asked me if I would every adopt a baby, my IMMEDIATE (I really mean IMMEDIATE) answer would be no.  I don't know why I feel that way, but I always have.  Thank God I was blessed with two of the best kids in the world, Jake and Stephenie.  They have been my heart.  In reading the things I have been reading, I am finding that many other adopted people have felt that same way.  Some explain it to be because they had a not so good experience growing up with their adopted family.  Others, like me, had a GREAT childhood and continue to have great relationships with family and have not a clue why they say they never would adopt. (shrug)  We KNOW that there are children out there that need a loving home, and whenever anyone I know adopts a child, I am so very pleased for them all.  It just never was in the cards for me, and so I never really had to make that decision.